busy busy

Yes, I know my mom asked me to blog a lot while I was in Mexico but I've been a lot busier than expected. It seems like I've spent part of every day out and about. Mexicans are such welcoming people and a lot of my time has been spent out with people from the church here. We've also been working on several projects.

One is that we are developing a discipleship course. This requires a whole little team of us. Mike is adapting and in some cases rewriting discipleship material we got from a church in Texas. Then Anissa and Irma translate it into French and Spanish respectively. After all this I am the one who does all the formatting to get the three versions all looking alike and pretty. Anissa, Miri, Abby, and I have then been going through the course together. This last part, naturally is my favorite and the most fun as we've gotten to know each other better through it.

Also, the young people at the church here decided to do the Lifehouse skit which the MDS used last year. So we made sure that all the challenging roles went to those who actually live here (so Anissa and I both gave up our roles from last year and took simpler parts) so that they can easily replace us and do it later without us. Mike named me the director of this production at the last minute which was unexpected. I was kind of nervous and generally I try to avoid being in a position of relative authority, but it went really well. We learned the drama, though we never had the opportunity to preform it. I'll admit I had fun being the director, though working with highschoolers is like hearding cats, lol. Once when they were almost too hyper to practice I made them run through the skit and say everything their character was thinking. They begged and promised to be good, but I made them anyway. It was hilarious. :p

Anissa and I also went through, cleaned, and organized the kitchen and other parts of the house. We grocery shopped, cooked and ate a lot. (O my, we ate a lot. You can't help it when you're in Mexico, and with all these wonderful tacos I can't object.) And did a little bit of sight-seeing, though as we've all lived here before we didn't need to do much of that.

I hope that catches all interested parties up on my life in Mexico so far. ;)

a bit of forethought

I really never give God enough credit.  I live my life as if He might forget me one of these days.  I know better, I really do.  I have read and heard and seen and experienced enough to know that God is not going to forget me, not even in little ways.  However, there is a disconnect somewhere between my brain and heart.  

Somewhere between my brain and my heart a lot of little pieces of truth about who God is just get lost and thus are never lived out in my life.  I am reading a book called "Jesus, the One and Only" by Beth Moore.  I'm at the beginning, the part where Gabriel tells Mary she's going to have a baby and He will be the Savior.  (Luke 1:26-56)  The author points out a little something that I have neve thought about before.

Picture this, Mary is about thirteen, engaged, and a virgin.  Her pregnancy with the coming Messiah will be a bit tricky to explain; no one's going to believe for a second that she's still a virgin - not even her own parents.  Back then this was a huge deal; Mary is probably going to be dumped by her fiancé and is now a potential candidate for stoning.  These facts have always left me in awe of Mary's bravery and her willingness to obey God.

Now in this turmoil look at verse 36.  God could've had John the Baptist born into any family.  God chose Mary's older cousin Elizabeth.  God gave Mary someone who would understand her pregnancy, someone she could talk to without being condemned, one friend to defend her and back up her story.  I never before realized how much Mary would need a friend, someone to tell her parents to believe her story.  God didn't just commission Mary to carry baby Jesus, He also took care of all the details.

I know God takes care of details, but I've never really thought of Him as someone who takes care of "unimportant" things like relationships.  I tend to expect Him to leave me alone in that area.  A new truth for the mind, but can it break through to my heart?

Regresado a Mexico

I know, a post titled "Returned to Mexico" should've been published a week and a half ago upon my arrival, but I've been much busier than I was expecting.  

I am visiting the church in Mexico for three weeks.  This trip wasn't planned very far in advance and I wasn't too very excited.  Don't get me wrong - I was very happy to be coming back to Mexico City, I guess I was just so busy the weeks leading up to my trip that I didn't really have time for it to sink in. 

It hit me about the time that the million lights of the city came into view outside the window of the airplane.  Suddenly this contented warmth filled me as I gazed out my window.  How can I describe it without sounding trite?  Only someone who loves this city would understand.  Can I explain how it feels to come home to a place where you only lived for four months?  Or the thrill of defying death in the notorious traffic of the D.F.*?  The familiarity of the gigantic billboards that line every major street?  The buildings painted colors that would be considered scandalously bright in the U.S.?  The tacos?  

I can't explain this city, but those who have been here and fallen in love with it know.  There's something about this city that's intoxicating.  Maybe it's the population of 40 million.  Maybe it's the feeling of excitement and a little danger that makes it seem like anything could happen.  Maybe it's the myriad of subtle cultural differences that just keep life new and interesting.  It could simply be the fact that I traded three feet of snow in my yard for summer weather and a garden full of flowers.  Whatever the case, I feel like I'm standing at the center of the world when I'm here and I'm so glad to be back.

*Distrito Federal, otherwise known as Mexico City. ;) 

I am now an official graduate of CMC and the proud holder of an Associates degree. Well, not too proud as a degree from a junior college is only really the halfway point I guess and anyone with such a degree is left with the glaring question, "Now what?" No matter what I choose though, it's nice to have it finished.

faith?

I've been thinking about faith a lot lately. I'm beginning to wonder if the simple word faith really communicates the reality. It seems like we use the word to describe belief. You have faith in God or you have faith that God will do such-and-such thing in your life. Sometimes it seems like having faith in the face of impossible circumstances is some kind of virtue that we trust in to move mountains.

I've often thought that this is a little ironic and wondered if the mountains are moved by my faith or if they are moved by the One I have faith in. We so easily get wrapped up in ourselves and our agendas that we (I being very guilty) treat God like some kind of genie that will grant our wishes if we believe hard enough. And if the wishes weren't granted than we must conclude that there is a problem either with our faith or with God. But is this really what faith is? Is faith really just belief that something will happen? I think it's deeper than this, a lot deeper.

I've always been struck by Jeremiah 17:5-8 and the contrast it paints between those who trust in mankind and those who trust in God. I've wondered if faith is at it's heart closer to something like trust than the close-minded, trying-too-hard demands we often make. I wonder if faith is being more willing to let go of what I think should happen and trusting that whatever God does will be good, weather He rescues me or lets me walk through the fire. I admire the courage of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego when they said, "..our God whom we serve is able to save us from the furnace and out of your hand king, but even if He doesn't, let it be known that we will not serve your god."

This is hard-core trust in God, to be able to stare into the fire you are about to be thrown into and say, "My God can save me, but even if He choses not to I will not bow." Do we have faith in God Himself, in His character or only in what He can do? Yes He can do all that we ask, but what if He has bigger plans that we don't see? What happens to our trust in God when He says no? What if He says no to a desperate need? Where is our faith then? Can we go on needing and not knowing why and still trust? And trust is something deeper than the surface of our circumstances and emotions. Faith is so much more than the moment. I have not been a shining example of faith. I get scared very easily. I question God, and wonder where He is and what He's doing. Despite all this, I've seen Him work incredible things in my life even during times where I flat-out refused to hope, couldn't bring myself to hope, that anything could be done to save me from whatever fire I was facing.

God is not tied to our faith. He chooses to limit Himself to working with us through our prayers, but I think we don't give Him nearly enough credit for what He can do within those limitations. God remembers our hearts to love and serve Him even when we are so disillusioned that we can't even pray for the strength to serve Him. God remembers the prayers we prayed in faith years after we've quit believing that He ever heard those particular prayers. He is not dependent on our daily ups and downs. We equate faith with an emotion way too much. We feel faith. Naturally human beings have days where we feel like we can believe in what we don't see and we have days where that feeling of belief is entirely out of reach. That feeling is not faith. Faith is the deeper trust in God, it's beyond emotion. (But wouldn't Satan like to tell you your faith is non-existent on your bad days? It's a lie.) It's the trust that lets me know I can come to God and talk to Him about how little I feel like I trust Him on a given day. It's the trust that knows that God will answer my prayers His way and it will be good. It's trust that even if my faith isn't big enough, my God has not changed and He is still more than big enough. So often the thing we have faith in is nothing more than our own faith. That's silly. My faith is nothing next to my God.

And God knows what's next. He knows what's best. I've had Him refuse to answer some of my most desperate prayers for inner change only to find out later that He had plans to use my weakness in some huge way before allowing me to grow in that area. I've prayed prayers once and then forgotten them only to have God remind me of my prayer years later after He had answered it. I have feared the worst, seen every fear and more come true, lost my ability to believe that God would ever do anything in my life again, and still been carried through every hard place (kicking and screaming) despite my lack of trust in God to help me. I've prayed trembling, afraid, and pitiful, and still seen God work. Maybe this is the mustard seed of faith that Jesus talks about, not that we have the power to command the mountains but that we know, small and scared as that knowledge may be, that whatever God does will somehow be good even if it's not what we thought we needed and we will never stop following God no matter what.

In all our prayers we need to remember that faith is far deeper than emotion. We rarely need as much as we think we do. God's bigger than our prayers and His timing is perfect. He will teach us to trust Him. And until then (and always) He is faithful even when we are not.

full-time everything?

So fall classes have started. This semester I've decided to try both working full time and taking classes full time. Things could get hectic. I'm really liking all my classes though so maybe it won't be so bad. I am taking:

• Astronomy 101, it's four credits of online science and the math may just be my undoing, but I really like science so I could survive. It will be exciting to see how I do.
  
• Intro to Computer Information Systems, also online. You can't graduate from my school without taking this one. The chapters run about 40+ pages long but It's way more interesting than I expected it to be.
• Spanish Cinema, my one and only actual class-room class. It's been weird so far but I talked to the teacher today and I think it will get better. At least I'll get to polish up my Spanish a bit.
• Poetry Writing, again online and we watch, listen to, and read a lot of poetry. As a class we've only bee required to write one little haiku poem but it's put me in a near - continual state of poetic inspiration so notebook pages are being filled with my musings.
  

Naturally, the poetry class is hands - down my favorite. The only classes I need to graduate are the astronomy and computer classes, the rest I just threw in there to stay on my parents' insurance (I have to be full time to be under their insurance). The last few weeks I've felt like I bit off more than I can chew, and though that is somewhat typical I am hoping to get into the swing of it here soon. ;)

untitled

Wounded heart
I accept loneliness
An easy habit
My own burden

We had something once
I breathed Your beauty
It wrapped me up
And made my joy free

Precious things
So very fragile
I let it slip away
The fault is mine

You are faithfulness
From my own death
You have saved me
No death too deep

Here I stand alive
But scars cut still
I walk the peripheral
Locked in mourning

A girl in love
Once the mention
Of Your holy name
Brought me a smile

Now I wait
Outside and cold
Uncomplaining
Unworthy

But in my heart
The deep ache
Of love I lost
Memory of what was

And I hunger
Keeping my silence
I've lost faith in love
The child is gone

The emptiness wins
Taunting my iron will
I will be faithful
And hope for nothing more

Could I hope?
I know Your heart
It aches more than mine
Can I love You again?

Will You awake
The dead love in me?
Bring me back into
The joy of my youth?

I remember dully
The joy that we had
The reality of You
A love beyond beauty

The broken cynic
That haunts my mind
Cries impossible
And hope is strangled

But You made the stars
Turned water to wine
And have raised the dead
Nothing is impossible

Oh God keep saving me!
Breathe life into my heart
Melt the hopeless dull
Build the fire again

Awake in me the love
That sleeps within
Capture my heart
Teach me to dream